On Light
Put it in the light if you want to see
the airy ditties dance at the edges of
a you or a me like lights, like bright
sighs of smoke breathed into a cold night
the air catches the thickness...
Put it in the light if you want to see
the lines connecting whatever makes
a you or a me like lights, like tight
strings of stars wreathed left and right
the glow creates a thickness...
Put it in the light if you want to see
the life you thought dreamed was always
a you or a me like lights, like upright
stretches of spine believed for a calm mind
the breath dissipates the thickness...
I like the sound of your poem and the think the elements of repetition are effective. I also like how you put ellipses at the end of each stanza, which makes it seem as though the poem could continue going and we are simply privy to a section of it. Adding some punctuation might help with readability because I wasn't sure how to read certain parts. For example, you might consider adding a comma at the end of the fourth line in each stanza.
ReplyDeleteVery musical! And the repetitions work. I think I agree with Afras regarding the punctuation. What I like very much about this is the way it hints at a larger awareness, something physical but beyond the physical, and the way you bring the other into the poem.
ReplyDeleteI was just having that thought about the comma at the end of the 4th line as I re-read this poem today. Thanks for the comments!
ReplyDelete