Looking through a
notebook I find memories
made with words, dated. Like
2/6/2016: the art of unselfing-- under a cotton moon
and fireflies disrobing
candle lights.
I like the way unselfing feels on my tongue, but I don’t
understand
the art of it, or how a moon can be made of cotton. Maybe
it’s
metaphorical. Maybe it’s a simple description. Maybe
I liked the repetition of Os and Ts, and how they looked in
line.
The act of disrobing—scandalous (?) but when paired with
candles & fireflies: does this make it poetic?
I end the line with silo. Silo. I Google a picture and
I wrote these words in Minneapolis, which doesn’t make much
sense.
I flip to 7/12/16 and I see “the clouds Renoiring
themselves” and…Google.
Perhaps I mean…the clouds are fading in and out of one
another,
colors inking and slipping from one to the other. Colors?
The sun’s there, maybe it’s a sunset. Maybe I’m at the
beach, it’s July.
I end the page with, “and all the church: an organ.”
This is a kind of cool almost ephrastik poem, where the piece of art is an old diary/journal entry? I really like the idea of re-examining and reproducing this text through a poem. That said, I'm not sure if I have quite enough here? There's great language and play, but I'm not sure that its come together yet. Seems cool though, so lmk if you go further with it!
ReplyDeleteLoved it! You have a great command of specific nouns, adjectives, and verbs and combine them to great effect. I would like to see this poem after you've gone back and surveyed the metafictional aspects of the piece, such as lines 8-9.
ReplyDeleteI love this. I interpreted it as brief glimpse into the way a writer's mind works - scattered ideas scribbled down that don't make sense when you look back. I'm not sure I understand the spacing at the beginning, maybe try playing with having it on different lines as well?
ReplyDeleteThis is very much inspired by the Yoon poem, and moves the same way. I would use the "Google" only once (the first time). The rest can move without sourcing or building obvious bridges. Your poem moves and works the same way Yoon's does. You should be proud of having written this in only an hour!
ReplyDeleteI am also impressed that you wrote this in only an hour. I like the use of dates, which helped me place myself while going through the speaker's winding thought process. Just curious, are the years intentionally in a different form (2016 v. 16)? I also like the visual experience of reading this poem because of the variety of punctuation and use of italics.
ReplyDelete